What does your child’s misbehavior mean?

Recognizing the Four Goals of Your Child’s Misbehavior

                                                                                                                                                                   By: Valerie Holcomb, IMF

When raising kids, it’s important to understand that misbehavior happens, even with the best-behaved kids.  When your child misbehaves, there are motivations for those behaviors (even if they are really frustrating for you).  Very often, there is something paradoxical going on unconsciously for the child that results in the misbehaving.. There are psychological theories that suggest that a child’s misbehavior happens, generally, because he or she wants to have a sense of belonging and a guaranteed place in one’s family. Additionally, a situation may happen where the child displays a series of bad behaviors.   When this occurs, the misbehavior is not so easily understood.         

                                                                                                                                                               frustrated parent with kids engaging in misbehavior

Rudolph Dreikurs was psychiatrist who adapted Alfred Adler’s holistic psychological theory to his work with understanding children’s behavior.  Dreikurs took the child’s entire environment into account when seeking to explain their behavior.   Dreikur’s provided reason to believe that a child misbehaves to achieve one of the following goals:
• Attention
• Power
• Revenge
• Display of inadequacy

Attention

A child believes he or she can belong only by having others pay attention to them. Some ways they can gain attention are by interrupting, clowning around, or in some cases be passive and not do their chores. A parent can recognize attention seeking by being aware of how they feel, for instance, you might feel annoyed or become impatient.

Power:

A child who is having a power struggle generally wants to be the boss or have their own way. He or she might actively throw a tantrum, make demands, and argue. The opposite is that he or she might be stubborn or do a task their parents want, but slowly and sloppily. You can recognize this goal by when you feel angry or determined to regain control.

Revenge:

A child who is displaying revenge might be rude or say hurtful things, as well as become violent. Sometimes a child will inactively give hurtful looks and refuse to cooperate. Typically, this type of child wants to get even. In result, the parent feels hurt and sometimes resentful. Furthermore, you might try to punish the child and their response is to seek further revenge.

Display of Inadequacy:

A child will act as if he or she is inferior, unskilled or unsuccessful towards something. They eventually believe they are helpless and want to reflect that they cannot be relied upon. A parent will become aware of this behavior when they begin to feel confused and helpless. Sadly, a parent will believe that there is nothing more that can be accomplished. When this happens, a child might respond passively or lack a response.

In summary, remembering these four points should help the parents to stay calm. It’s important to not blame yourself, remember it’s easy to have an opinion about parenting, but the most challenging thing you’ll ever do!

Please follow this blog for upcoming posts to help intervene and even prevent these unwanted behaviors as well as for so may other helpful life management strategies.

Zander Keig: Beyond Race Or Gender

Zander Keig, LCSW 

shares with us his experiences, indicative of a deeper causality of discrimination
that taps into a primal fear of 'the other' that transcends race or gender...

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I met Zander

at a friend's house-warming party.  We spoke of working within the government agency system of therapy and had a lively discussion.  I went home and "friended" him on Facebook  - I then discovered my new friend was quite a fascinating person, having lived a life of social advocacy for the LGBTQ population.  It was when I clicked on a link to his website that I saw he was not only an advocate, but a well-respected person in that community who had actually gone through the transition from female to male. 

Zander Keig is a unique individual, not only because he used to be a she, but because his life has been one of overcoming tremendous hardships, starting at birth. When Zander was born, the doctor predicted he would be dead, but he was not.  Then when he was 6, he developed encephalitis - he went into a coma and when he awoke, he had to relearn some basic life skills all over again.  Zander's life since then has been a journey of self-discovery and social advocacy.

 

Zander and I discuss:

  • His early life struggles and some family reflections
  • Why he identified with the "separatist lesbian" community and what that meant for him
  • How and when he began identifying as "trans"
  • Why he feared Testosterone
  • How he and his wife created a relaiotnship that has withstood the stress of transitioning
  • How his education helped him understand those that did not understand him
  • Why he decided to edit and write books and articles on the subject of transitioning when his own transition is a very private experience
  • Why trans men are often invisible in our society
  • How intentionality informs his relationship with his wife
  • The strange thing that happened when he went from being seen by society as a 1st-generation Mexican-American lesbian to a highly-educated white male - where did his culture go? 
  • The prejudices he experienced both pre and post transition were not what you'd think! 

Questions and Comments

Although we have comments turned off this blog in general, Zander welcomes your questions and comments.  Feel free to email me DrMullen@CoachingThroughChaos.com, or leave a comment or a question on my facebook page  and I will be happy to pass it on.  

 

Resources

Zander speaks of some of the books he's edited, the documentary being produced about his life journey and his website.  Here is where you can find those resources:

Website:  ZanderKeig.net

Film: Episodes of Zanderology

Books Zander has been involved in, including Manning Up and Letters for My Brothers can be found here

 

 

Awkward Correction on my part

I realized when listening back to the produced episode that I was saying "LGBT and trans" when, of course in LGBT the T stands for trans - I don't know why I was saying it that way, but that's how it came out.  To anyone that thinks I was "not aware" - I am, I just speak faster than I think sometimes and it results in awkward verbal trip-ups.  

 

Coming Up on The Coaching Through Chaos Podcast

I just returned from the Podcast Movement conference for podcasters.  I learned a lot and made so many great new friends.  What I learned has led me to decide to make some changes to the structure of what I bring you here at The Coaching Through Chaos Podcast.  The next episode will actually be a re-boot: I will be telling you about my life journey through chaos, what it means to me and why I am doing what I do.  After that, I'll still be bringing you some great interviews, but you will understand more about what that topic means to me and how it might help you better navigate the chaos in your life. My intention is to bring you a high-quality show and that sometimes means to recognize how and when to make changes in what we are doing here.  That next episode launches August 2, 2016.  

How do you support us? Subscribe and Review

We've set up the podcast so that you can listen on both Android and Apple devices.  We are currently still on the "What's Hot" pages of iTunes in a couple of categories, but we stay there longer when we have more reviews.  When we stay on those pages, we also get seen by more people looking for great new shows to listen to.  We'd love for you to go to chaos.tips/iTunes and leave us a review.  When you're there, be sure to click "subscribe" and set yourself up for auto-downloads of our future episodes.  On non-apple products, you can listen on soundcloud, tunein.com, stitcher, or maybe you already have the "Podcast Addict" app downloaded on your Android phone - when you're in Podcast Addict, just search for Coaching Through Chaos - you can subscribe right there as well! Thanks for all your support so far!!

 

OTHER PODCASTS

FOUND

Have you ever found a note on your car, or found one on the street that was intended for someone else?  Well the people at FOUND Podcast by Wondery Media have developed an intriguing new show in which they work on discovering the origins of these notes.  I met the Wondery Media folks at Podcast Movement and I love what they are developing. I wanted to give them a shot out here and encourage you to check them out! 

 

SHRINK2SHRINK: Like Siskel & Ebert with a Psychological Twist! 

Have you listened to my friend and fellow therapist Courtney Calkins and I chat about our favorite movies yet on Shrink2Shrink? We launched a new monthly show a few months ago- our current episode is Creed, but we have also covered The Martian, Gone Girl, Inside Out, and Train Wreck! Our next episode launches on the last day of July - we'll be talking all relaiotnship and psych aspects of the fun Disney movie Zootopia! If you grew up watching Siskel & Ebert review the movies like Courtney & I did, you'll enjoy this- you'll definitely know if we liked the movie, but we also ad a psychological component to the discussion.  We pull  out our favorite clips from the movie and then we discuss all the relationship and psychological themes of the scene.  It's been great fun and we appreciate all the love and support we have received so far! Check it out Shrink2Shrink on iTunes

 

Until next time.......


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Dealing with a Narcissist

Darlene Lancer, JD LMFT

 ~ educates us about narcissism and how to deal with a narcissist, as discussed in her new book...

Dealing

Podcast available
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The topic of narcissism seems to be all the rage of popular fodder on the internet and the pop news shows these days. But what they are really referring to is our “selfie generation”, the millennials vying for attention on social media. They have really mislabeled an entire generation of people.

Today we are exploring what it means when you find yourself in a relationship with a true narcissist. My guest today is Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT.  Darlene first joined me in Season 1 to discuss how to help yourself to break codependent behaviors in relationships. That episode is still one of our most popular to date. Please check it out if you haven't already. A natural progression for her work with codependent people turned to exploring narcissism.
Why would this be a natural progression you may ask? Well, when someone is codependent, they sacrifice their emotional needs for those of their loved ones, often taking on a care taking role with a partner. It is not uncommon for these people to find themselves in relationships with alcoholics or drug addicts, as these people need to be taken care of in many ways and they are often unable to meet their partner's emotional needs due to their addictions. Narcissistic people would also have a tendency to attract codependent people as they are consumed with their own grandiosity and keep people close to them who do not challenge them to meet their emotional needs, allowing the focus of the relationship to remain on them and what they want.

Darlene's latest book, “Dealing with a Narcissist: 8 Steps to Raise Self ­Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People” explores the emotional upset that can happen when one finds themselves in a relationship with a narcissistic person.

 

What is Narcissist?

A narcissistic person is one who meets diagnostic criteria as set forth in the “diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM­5)” which is the manual the medical and mental health field use to diagnose patients. It is NOT just a term used to describe someone who is self ­focused on social media.

DSM­5 criteria for narcissistic personality disorder include these features:

  • Having an exaggerated sense of self­ importance
  • Expecting to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it
  • Exaggerating your achievements and talents
  • Being preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate
  • Believing that you are superior and can only be understood by or associate with equally special people
  • Requiring constant admiration
  • Having a sense of entitlement
  • Expecting special favors and unquestioning compliance with your expectations
  • Taking advantage of others to get what you want
  • Having an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others
  • Being envious of others and believing others envy you
  • Behaving in an arrogant or haughty manner

Although some features of narcissistic personality disorder may seem like having confidence, it's not the same. Narcissistic personality disorder crosses the border of healthy confidence into thinking so highly of yourself that you put yourself on a pedestal and value yourself more than you value others. (http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic­ personality ­disorder/basics/symptoms/con­20025568)

Finding oneself in a relationship with a narcissist can be an emotionally draining and painful experience.
In this interview, Darlene and I dig deep into what the dynamics of that relationship can look like, communication strategies that can be effective for expressing your emotional needs and how to take care of yourself emotionally.

 

What's Coming Up?

Next up on The Coaching Through Chaos Podcast is my interview with Zander Keig. Zander is one interesting guy – and not just because he used to be a girl! Watch for that episode on July 19

Shrink2Shrink: It's like Siskel & Ebert with a psychological twist!

My latest venture in podcasting has been the launch of the Shrink2Shrink show with fellow podcaster and therapist Courtney Calkins of the Quadcast Podcast. Courtney and I dissect the psychological aspects of popular movies. As of today, we've explored “Gone Girl”, “Train Wreck”, “Inside Out”, “The Martian” and “Creed”. You can check out a sampling of it right here.

Follow & Subscribe

You can follow me on Twitter @DrColleenMullen

You can subscribe to the Coaching Through Chaos Podcast on iTunes at chaos.tips/itunes

You can subscribe to Shrink2Shrink on iTunes here

If you want to stay updated and get some cool tips on living a positive life, sign up for my mailing list at http://coachingthroughchaos.com/mailing­list/ When you sign up for the emailing list, you'll receive a free copy of my ebook: “5 Ways: 100 Tips for Living a Happier, Healthier Life”as my Thank You to you!

Resources on Darlene Lancer and Narcissism

Darlene's website: DarleneLancer.com and WhatisCodependency.com

Get the Book: Dealing with a Narcissist: 8 Ways to Raise Self­Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People

Mayo Clinic: Narcissistic Personality Disorder

The New York Times: The Self(ie) Generation


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Staying Zen while Dating Online

Dee Wagner

 ~ co-author of Naked Online, a modern day Zen and the Art of Internet Dating, speaks of some of the trials and tribulations involved with online dating, and how to stay zen in the face of it all

zen+coffee

Podcast available
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Are YOU One of the 49 Million people in the US who have tried online dating??

 

I know I am! And I know most of the people I know who have been single in the past 5 years have as well - it seems that there is an endless number of website, apps and services dedicated to helping us find love from the comfort of our  living rooms.  There's Match, eHarmony, PlentyofFish, Zoosk, OKCupid, Craigslist, Tinder, Bumble, Grindr, Hinge ....just to name a few.  I don't know about you, but it can be overwhelming when you even start to think about the prospect of creating a profile- let alone one for all the sites you'd like to try.  My guest today not only found love through online dating, but she wrote a book on staying zen while doing it! Dee Wagner, along with Cathy Jernigan and Dee's partner John Cargill wrote "Naked Online: A DoZen Ways to Grow from Online Dating.  Dee was in the process of writing the book when she met John through her dating journey.  Dee is a psychotherapist, John's a designer and Kathy is a freelance writer.  Together, they designed a manual for keeping your sanity, managing your relationship anxiety and overall staying zen while exploring the universe of online dating. You can find them at LustierLife.com.

 

In this interview you'll hear about:

  • How the authors of Naked Online intended the book as a guidebook and how they envision their readers utilizing it
  • How a person can find their "zen" while engaging in the often anxiety provoking behavior of online dating
  • Why it's important to be in love with yourself as you write your online profile
  • The fantasy component to meeting someone online
  • The "Email Checking Addiction" and how to cure it! 
  • Ways our attachment style informs our relationships
  • Why it's so difficult for people to talk about what they want sexually once sex enters their dating relationship
  • Why internet dating can feel lonely even though you may be swimming in a sea of dates! 

 

Fun facts about Online Dating:

I found so many fun websites with facts & figures about online dating- I thought you'd get a kick out of them -

Here goes:

Pew Research - 5 Facts about Online Dating

The Richest - 20 Shocking Facts about Online Dating

Huffington Post - Online Dating Tips

Statistic Brain - Online Dating Statistics

Guest Resources

You can find Dee Wagner  at:

Website:  LustierLife.com

Twitter: @LustierLife

Amazon: Naked Online: a DoZen Ways to Grow from Online Dating

 

 

 

 

 


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5 Ways to Maximize Your Child’s Potential

One of the most difficult jobs people have today, is raising a child. Parenting a child is

challenging and there are no rule books or manuals on how best to raise an emotionally healthy

child or teen. How can parents respond in ways that foster a child's self-esteem and promote a

positive self image? By identifying a child's strengths and altering one's parenting style to

facilitate the growth of these strengths, children and teens will develop self-confidence, values,

a secure sense of self and will allow them to reach their maximum potential.

 

1. IDENTIFY YOUR CHILD'S STRENGTHS

Strengths are identified as tasks or actions that we do well. These may include talents, abilities,

or skills.When identifying your child's strengths, look at your child's natural talents. Identify

which activities or environments that they're drawn to. Are there particular skills that they learn

easily or do them become engrossed in certain activities? Are there activities your child

participates in that is met with joy and enthusiasm? Once you can identify your child's strengths,

then it's time to develop them!

2. FOSTER THE DEVELOPMENT OF YOUR CHILD'S STRENGTHS

Facilitating the development of your child's strengths is most easily done when parents are

focused on what their child does well, rather than focusing on their weaknesses. When

developing a child's strength, parents should encourage a child to pursue what they're good at.

Accepting and celebrating a child's unique strengths is key! This can be especially hard for

parents if their child's strengths and natural talents are not what we thought they'd be.

3. AVOID USING NEGATIVE LABELS

It can be especially challenging for a parent to point out strengths when their child misbehaves

or violates a parent's trust. However, during troublesome and complicated situations, children

and teens need to be supported in order to gain insight into the situation and develop strategies

to effectively manage similar situations differently in the future. Parents can be supporting during

these distressing times by REFRAMING problematic situations by identifying which aspects

were positive, PRAISE positive choices made by your child, and REVIEW the situation and

allow your child to explore ways in which they could have handled the situation differently in the

future to ensure a better outcome.

4. BE UNCONDITIONAL

Accept your child's positive attributes as well as their weaknesses. Each child is unique and

differences should be celebrated!

5. IDENTIFY YOUR OWN STRENGTHS TO BECOME A BETTER PARENT

Developing your child's strengths is best facilitated when parents know their own individual

strengths. This provides a framework for parents and children alike to learn and grown in a

unique and specific manner.

Strength based parenting can be challenging at first and requires on-going learning. However,

once you learn the technique that is the best fit for you and your child, then it becomes

exponentially easier. For more information on how to utilize Strength-Based Parenting visit:

https://www.gallupstrengthscenter.com/Home/en-US/Parenting